Some emails I've not had replies to...

To the National Association for Miniature Enthusiasts

Hi,

I am really pleased to discover that there are other enthusiasts of miniature things out in this over large world. I have been a fan of all things miniature ever since I discovered the Babushka doll. Needless to say, I like the little one best.

What I would like to ask though, is not to do with Babushka dolls. To be honest, I feel like I've outgrown them. Mine's remained on the mantelpiece since my younger sister tried to arrange a marriage between Babs and her Ken doll. It ended terribly, Barbie kicked off and the reception was a shambles.

I am more interested in asking for some advice concerning the film 'Toy Story'.

Recently I watched this particular Pixar animation and I was struck by how the toys (miniatures if we're being technical) appeared to only come to life when humans are not around. Is this story based in fact? I have been ensuring that I lock my toys away, but after witnessing the lengths that Woody and co will go to cause trouble, I am not sure whether a simple bolt will do.

Have you ever had a similar problem with your miniatures and what security systems did you put in place?

Thanks,

David Hall

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To the British Mountaineering Council

Hello,

My friend Steve challenged me last night to organise a better attempt at the three peaks challenge than he did. I'd had a few wine gums so agreed, perhaps a little hastily.

Then, I had an epiphany. What if I organise a three peaks challenge... in my garden?

What I'm proposing to do is build three quite big mounds in my garden and then invite people of under three foot tall to climb them. In photos it will look like they are normal size people going up big mountains like Snowdon and Mt Killimanjaro.

I want to make sure I do this properly though. Could you send me some advice as to how I can look after the safety of my little people? I've bought some cramp ons and Lucozade, what else might I need?

David - better than Steve - Hall

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To the Roundabouts of Great Britain Appreciation Society

Hello.

I am an inventor and have recently devised an excellent traffic calming measure that I think would be of interest to you.

The idea centres around the concept of the humble roundabout. However, on my roundabouts, drivers will be encouraged get in one of three lanes, each with a different treat awaiting them.

The first lane (nearside) will give drivers the chance to pick a karaoke number for a celebrity singer to perform from the centre of the roundabout. Drivers will be so pleased to see the likes of Ricky Martin, Peter Andre, Chico and Michelle McManus singing classic hits that they will merrily potter round the junction without accident.

The middle lane will be for drivers who suffer from confidence issues. That way everyone will be able to see them and prepare for their ludicrous, ill-conceived manouvers.

Finally, the outside lane will be reserved for people who have Syphillis. This way, you will never get anyone driving like an idiot, because the only place they can do that is the place where they are telling the world that they have an embarrassing condition. Bob's your aunty; safer roads.

Could you send me a reply to this proposal that outlines how successful you think it would be, so when I go to the Minister for Transport, they will know I have used the best roundabout experts for advice.

Thanks,

David Hall

Calming traffic today, for the children of tomorrow.

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