To Galloway Wildlife Conservation...

Hello.

I have recently been having a series of recurring nightmares where a giant squirrel called Bertie comes and tells me to boil my wife and put her in a pie.

Have you ever had any experience of this kind of behaviour in squirrels? I am not sure that I want to take Bertie's advice because it seems tantamount to murder. At least I think that's how the courts are likely to see it. However, the persistence of the nightmare has left me feeling as though I can't be in the same room as my wife. Particularly if that room is the kitchen. It's putting us under enormous strain so any words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

Many thanks,

David Hall

To the Society for Ploughmen...

Hello.

I would like to congratulate you and your friends for inventing the Ploughman's lunch. It really is excellent.

However, I recently had a Ploughman's lunch in a - sort of - gastro pub. It was an abomination. Not only was there no cheese knife supplied, but the quantity of bread (granary - did terrible things to my poo) was measly in comparison to the wedge of mature Cheddar and block of Stilton. What was I supposed to do? Sandwich it between a couple of slices of limp cucumber? I think not.

Also, upon my plate was what can only be described as an olive. Stuffed with... pimento. You can imagine my outrage. I had settled down to what I thought would be classic British fare, and then that appeared. Disgraceful. They may as well have put a side portion of sushi next to my plate.

I would be interested to hear what you - inventors of the Ploughmans - think of this decimation of your legacy to lunches.

Thanks,

David Hall

To the Society for Curious Thinkers...

Hello.

I often have curious thoughts and am ever so pleased to see that there is a society for equally curious thinkers such as myself.

I am actually having some curious thoughts right now. I was wondering what would happen if you borrowed the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland and used it to collide a Tictac with a Kitkat; would you get a Tickat? A wafer biscuit that gives you two hours of minty fresh breath...

Perhaps you could pose the question to fellow curious thinkers to see what their hypothesis would be?

Thanks,

David Hall

To Argos...

Hello.

I have been working in Argos for a number of years now and am looking for a change of career.  I was thinking that being a novellist might be suitable so I have sent you a sample of my latest horror piece.  It would be lovely to hear what you think.

As the perpetrator chased Jenny down the long, winding, but in no way meandering corridor, he caught his reflection in one of his pieces of artwork that lined the dank walls of this god forsaken corridor.  It was the drawing of Myrah Hindley he’d done in junior school, coloured using the crayola arts and crafts mega value pack, it was a fine piece of work.  Carefully shaded using virtually every item of the 60 piece collection, her arms wide open, so that when he stood in front of it, it was as though she was hugging him.  Glinting in the picture he caught sight of the knife he had been wielding throughout his chase.  It was a lethal looking utensil, and so it should be, it was the long one from the Sabatier 4 piece knife set with magnetic rack, sharpened with precision using the Kenwood chrome knife sharper.  The same knife sharpener that Harold Shipman used to file his toenails with… before murdering people.

Hurtling down the corridor he could begin to smell the sweat on his victim's body.  If only she'd been wearing the sweat bands from the Reebok pilates band kit like he was.  He wiped his brow again as he turned the corner to see his victim trapped in a dead end, with her Elizabeth Duke necklace glistening in the moonlight.  He could smell that this was a prize he wanted.  A victim who knew where she could find cheap, affordable jewellery, and not be tempted by more expensive high street goods merely for their fashionable credibility.

“What do you want from me?!” she shouted at the top of her voice.

“To be spoilt for choice with a fantastic range of over 16,500 great value products.” he said coolly, “And to kill you…” he said slightly less coolly.  More menacingly in fact.

Jenny, unsurprisingly, began to panic.  “I’ll give you anything!  Just don’t hurt me!”

“Really?” he replied, with surprisingly quick resolve for such a weird, oft murdering bastard.  “How about my old job back?  And a 10% discount card to start with, instead of having to wait for 6 months like the store protocol demands.”

Startled at his request, Jenny began to fumble around for some kind of weapon.  It was dark and she could see bugger all, especially when he reflected light from his Casio protrek triple sensor watch into her eyes.

 “I want my old job back Jenny…” he said in that freaky voice the bloke from Scream uses when he’s on the phone.

“But who are you?” Jenny said, more demandingly now.  She knew she had some kind of deal she could negotiate now and negotiating was something Jenny was good at.  She didn’t become Area manager for nothing.

“You don’t remember your own…?”  He could’ve finished the sentence there and then to be honest.  But he didn’t.  He waited until the next chapter, which you may think is cruel of him… but that's just how it goes sometimes.

Thanks,

David Hall

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Hmmm...if you really want help with your writing then please refer to our website which details what we offer and the fees that we charge. Please note that we only advise on writing for children.

Louise Jordan

Managing Editor

To the Managing Director of 'Thinking Juice' (advertising company)...

Hello.

I think there is a huge gap in the market for an energy drink for the clergy.  Imagine the situation; you've got three sermons to do and you need a pick me up.  What've you got?  Communion wine.  And that's just going to make you sleepy.

What I am proposing is to create an energy drink for the clergy that will help make their lives easier.  Would you be interested in helping to come up with an advertising strategy to promote the product?  I have written a voice over for a television commercial that I think would attract our target market.

"Do you as a man of the cloth, often feel drained of energy after a day of blessing and chastising?  Does the burden of doing the Lord’s handiwork weigh heavy on your tired saintly shoulders?  Are you thinking ‘yes!’ to both of the aforementioned questions?  Then you need, Cardinalade!!  A proven, high powered energy drink for the clergyman with excessive holy work.

Made from a concoction of holy water, and sweat from the brow of Pope Benedict the 14th ,followed by a fermentation period of 6 years under the rays through a stain glass window depicting Jesus Christ himself, Cardinalade will help you stay fit as a fiddle, energised and good to go while doing the work of our lord. 

Amen to that."

I hope you see as much promise in the product as I do.

I look forward to hearing from you.

David Hall

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David,

Where did you get such an abundant supply of Pope sweat? I'm impressed!

Gel

To the National Association of Toastmasters...

Hello.

I have a Dualit four slice toaster and have been experiencing problems.

I tend to use my toaster for two purposes. Number one being to toast a slice or four of Hovis Best of Both (thick sliced) and number two being to toast crumpets (usually Sainsbury's own brand). Now whilst I can guarantee that setting the Dualit to 'four toast', will give me a lovely golden slice of Hovis, it doesn't seem to matter what I do to the crumpets; they always come out all limp. Limp from 'four toast' through to 'six and three quarter toast'.

What can I do? I've even had it up at 'seven toast', but I found myself torn between flapping at the smoke detector and tending to the charred remains of what a post-mortem would struggle to identify as my crumpet. It was a disaster.

Is there a setting that I am unaware of? Or should I resort to the grill?

Thank you for your time.

David Hall

To the Pylon Appreciation Society...

Hello.

I was pleased to discover your society this evening and felt compelled to write to you.

It was back in the 1980s that I first became a fan. I think it may even have been 1983. November time. I was walking through Crewe town centre and stopped dead. A sight to behold had loomed majestically in the distance. The window of Foster's Menswear had a new display; nylon trousers, 50% off.

The shop assistant had me at hello. Not only did they look good, but they were hard wearing and easy to clean. The fact they went beautifully with my Frankie Says Relax t-shirt was an added bonus.

From that day forth, I never wore anything else. Nylon everything. Well, apart from underwear; the static can cause issues in tender areas. Down the pub they would call me 'Nylon Dave', I could tell from the look on their faces that they were jealous. Jealous of my consistently pristine, no need to iron apparel.

I'm so pleased to have found other enthusiasts. What is your favourite item of nylon?

All the best,

David Hall

To the Scottish Tattoo Convention...

Hello.

I am interested in opening a tattoo parlour and would like some help designing tattoos for my hypothetical Scottish clients.

Currently I have three Scottish tattoo designs. Well four, because if you squint at my drawing of the planet 'Mars', it looks a bit like a scotch egg. The other three are a Scottish Terrier, a fifteen step instruction manual to make Haggis and a side profile of Colin Montgomerie. What other things could you suggest? I really want to be able to develop my ethnic tattoo range and your input would be much appreciated.

Many thanks,

David Hall

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(Reply)

I'm glad you have a lot of time on your hands, but we are actually busy, so go annoy somebody else.

To the Team GB Bobsled Team...

Hello.

I recently watched a thorough and emotive documentary about Bobsledding and was deeply struck by how exhilirating the sport is.  The speeds that the athletes reach and the risk they put themselves in is truly astonishing.

I found the documentary exceedingly informative.  It focussed around a central theme that sprinters make the best bobsledders, because of their ability to get the sled off to a quick start.  I was wondering whether you had come across the theory before?  Perhaps you could consider recruiting Dwain Chambers, Mark Lewis-Francis and Harry Aikines-Areetey to your squad and train them up?  I am convinced that you will see immediate effects as the documenary appeared to be researched thoroughly and were the team featured not to have experienced an unfortunate crash, they would have done very well.  If the sprinters seem reluctant, then it is worth pointing out to them that they aren't likely to beat Messrs Bolt, Powell and Blake so why not try a new sport?  If they are still not convinced, perhaps offer to give them free access to the vending machine at your training facility.  I am sure the hit in your profit margins will be easy to bear when they bring home the gold.

I am afraid I forget the name of the documentary, but it features an excellent performance from John Candy as the team's flawed genius coach.  I am sure you would very much enjoy it as it is both informative and entertaining.

I wish you and your team all the best.

David Hall

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Dear Mr Hall,

Thank you for your kind email.

I share your enthusiasm for the excellent documentary featuring John Candy.Indeed we frequently refer to it when putting together our training programmes - in the same way that I am sure the England football team study that other excellent football documentary 'Escape to Victory'.

We have indeed considered approaching the aforementioned sprinters but every time I went and tried to speak to them they whizzed past me and I couldn't catch them up. Perhaps my tactic of trying to speak to them whilst they are competing needs reviewing.

Thank you once again for your insightful email, it was very much appreciated.

Kind regards

Scott

Scott Allaway

Commercial Director

British Bobsleigh

To the Belgian Transplant Society...

Hello.

I was wondering if you could help me.  I have recently developed a significant feeling of unsatisfaction, discontent and downright displeased-ness about my body image. However, as my negativity about my own body has grown, my fascination with all things Belgian has matured like a fine wheel of Passendale.

With this in mind, I think I would like to apply for a couple of transplants to help me feel better about myself.  I would like to propose that you transplant the legs of Eddy Merckx onto my body to replace the spindly things that dangle hopelessly from my shorts and the brain of George Lemaitre to help me think about clever things like 'how the universe came to be' and 'why planets are spherical'.  It would definitely help me be more positive about my body image if I could prop myself up on Tour de France winning legs and think with a hugely advanced scientific brain.  I might even stand more of a chance with the ladies if I can use chat up lines like, "want to see the legs of a champ?" and "could you spare me a moment to entertain my thoughts about the construction of the universe?"

Obviously, I assume you have a waiting list, but if I could have first dibs on those transplants it would be really great.

Thanks,

David Hall

To 2 Unlimited. They're having a come back, evidently...

Hello.

I am an experienced devisor of pub quizzes in England. However, I recently came under scrutiny for a question in a quiz that I delivered to the people of The Hammer and Cufflink in Little Finglebury.

The question was: How many times do iconic Eurodance band 2 Unlimited say the word 'no' in their 90s hit song No Limits?

Can you tell me the answer so I can show my - now former - friend, Brian that I do do my research and that when he sneakily listened to the song under the table on his iPod he mis-counted. Git.

Thanks,

David Hall

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Hello David.

Thank you for your email & interest in 2 unlimited.If you don't tell me which version you have (see the discography page and the details of the different versions) I can't tell you the answer.This website will change soon so don't be affraid if url isn't available for a while.

The best way to guess this answer is to be in the right place David./https://fbcdn-sphotos-a. akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/ 545266_4302030038176_ 199548204_n.jpg

And with the comeback there's also a new surprise for you fans :http://www.youtube.com/watch? v=oh6YGN_F2ok&feature=player_embedded#!

Kgs Regards,

Richard

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Richard,

I used the No Limits (Automatic Breakbeat Remix) from a copy of the Eurodance 1994 album that I bought in Belgium.

It's a lovely country, Belgium. You should go.

Quizmaster Dave

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To the British Power Lifting Federation...

Hello.

It's my grandparents' 47th wedding anniversary at the end of the month and I wanted to devise a surprise performance for them.

On arrival, what I would like them to see is a spectacle. This is not one half of a pair of glasses. It is something that is 'spectacular'. As they enter the room I would like them to witness 47 junior powerlifters - one for each year of marriage - raise a giant wedding ring, 47m in diameter, 47 times above their heads, before placing it on the floor and walking out of the room in single file. The ring has been ordered from my local Timpson's and is made from iron and spray painted to have a gold appearance.

Have you got 47 junior powerlifters on your books that I could hire for the event? I am sure that I could look into a coach to get them to the venue we are using in Sibtoft.

Also, would it be more practical for me to provide the talcum powder for the powerlifters' hands, or do they normally provide their own for things like this?

Thanks,

David Hall

---------------------------------------------

David,

That has to be one of the strangest requests I've ever had in relation to powerlifting. I presume Sibtoft is in Kent? You may be better speaking to someone from the South-East Division, Astor college in Dover has quite a few junior powerlifters but I know many of them are at an event on July 28th near Newcastle. To be honest I'd be surprised if you'd be able to get a dozen lifters there from your region I think you'd be better off approaching gyms in your area to get that many people together. Will a 47m diameter ring not be incredibly flexible at that size? It will certainly be the size of half a football pitch.

Bryn

--------------------------------------------

Half a football pitch! Half a football pitch! The man in Timpson's was convinced it would fit through the double patio door at the rear of Sibtoft Village Hall. Perhaps I need to have a rethink.

Newcastle, you say? Well I'll have a word with the guys in Astor to see if they can't come down if I sort some transport. My uncle has a Volkswagen Sharan so could maybe do shuttle runs?

Thanks,

David Hall

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To the WWE and WWF...

WWE

Hello.

I would like to ask you how I go about adopting a panda.  I am sure I will make an excellent adoptive parent because I am very nice and kind to pandas.

Also, I have been growing bamboo in my garden so my panda won't go hungry.

Thanks,

David Hall

----------------------------------

WWF

Hello.

A number of years ago I held a membership to the Hulk Hogan 'Hulkamaniacs' fan club and I was looking to renew it.  I am really looking forward to seeing what kind of japes Hulk has been getting up to.  He is my favourite moustache wearing wrestler ever.

Thanks,

David Hall

---------------------------------

Some emails I've not had replies to...

To the National Association for Miniature Enthusiasts

Hi,

I am really pleased to discover that there are other enthusiasts of miniature things out in this over large world. I have been a fan of all things miniature ever since I discovered the Babushka doll. Needless to say, I like the little one best.

What I would like to ask though, is not to do with Babushka dolls. To be honest, I feel like I've outgrown them. Mine's remained on the mantelpiece since my younger sister tried to arrange a marriage between Babs and her Ken doll. It ended terribly, Barbie kicked off and the reception was a shambles.

I am more interested in asking for some advice concerning the film 'Toy Story'.

Recently I watched this particular Pixar animation and I was struck by how the toys (miniatures if we're being technical) appeared to only come to life when humans are not around. Is this story based in fact? I have been ensuring that I lock my toys away, but after witnessing the lengths that Woody and co will go to cause trouble, I am not sure whether a simple bolt will do.

Have you ever had a similar problem with your miniatures and what security systems did you put in place?

Thanks,

David Hall

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To the British Mountaineering Council

Hello,

My friend Steve challenged me last night to organise a better attempt at the three peaks challenge than he did. I'd had a few wine gums so agreed, perhaps a little hastily.

Then, I had an epiphany. What if I organise a three peaks challenge... in my garden?

What I'm proposing to do is build three quite big mounds in my garden and then invite people of under three foot tall to climb them. In photos it will look like they are normal size people going up big mountains like Snowdon and Mt Killimanjaro.

I want to make sure I do this properly though. Could you send me some advice as to how I can look after the safety of my little people? I've bought some cramp ons and Lucozade, what else might I need?

David - better than Steve - Hall

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To the Roundabouts of Great Britain Appreciation Society

Hello.

I am an inventor and have recently devised an excellent traffic calming measure that I think would be of interest to you.

The idea centres around the concept of the humble roundabout. However, on my roundabouts, drivers will be encouraged get in one of three lanes, each with a different treat awaiting them.

The first lane (nearside) will give drivers the chance to pick a karaoke number for a celebrity singer to perform from the centre of the roundabout. Drivers will be so pleased to see the likes of Ricky Martin, Peter Andre, Chico and Michelle McManus singing classic hits that they will merrily potter round the junction without accident.

The middle lane will be for drivers who suffer from confidence issues. That way everyone will be able to see them and prepare for their ludicrous, ill-conceived manouvers.

Finally, the outside lane will be reserved for people who have Syphillis. This way, you will never get anyone driving like an idiot, because the only place they can do that is the place where they are telling the world that they have an embarrassing condition. Bob's your aunty; safer roads.

Could you send me a reply to this proposal that outlines how successful you think it would be, so when I go to the Minister for Transport, they will know I have used the best roundabout experts for advice.

Thanks,

David Hall

Calming traffic today, for the children of tomorrow.

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