To the Independent Case Examiners

Hello.

I have a case that I would really like you to examine.

Recently I went away to New Zealand and on a flight between Palmerston North and Auckland the handle jammed. It wouldn't extend any more and it made it extraordinarily difficult to pull the case along. I nearly tripped over it in front of a bus during a stop in Incheon, South Korea. Not ideal.

Could you examine my case and perhaps help find a solution? It's very lovely and red and belonged to my father so I hope you can resurrect it so that it functions as well as it did on my trip to Dublin in 2009. I went to the zoo and the penguin enclosure was relocating. It was memorable.

Many thanks,

David Hall

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Dear Mr Hall

Thank you for your email of 14 June 2012.

We are sorry to hear of your damaged case but unfortunately your issue does not fall under our remit.

Below is a link to the complaints procedure for Air New Zealand. You should make your complaint to them (or the company your flight from Palmerston North to Auckland was with) and follow their complaints procedure. I am not sure they will be able to repair your case, however they may well be in a position to offer an apology.

https://airnzukeu.custhelp.com/app/answers/detail/a_id/1862/p/41


Yours Sincerely



Chris Stirrup
Frontline Administration Team | Independent Case Examiner’s Office

To the American Wine Society

Hello.

My name is David Hall and I thought that I would write to you for two reasons. The first I will tell you about now - I had a glass of Blossom Hill last night. It was really lovely.

The second is that I would like to ask for some help. I have been going to the same annual wine tasting event for the last few years. This is always a cracking time, but it appears to be full of people who actually know a lot about wine. I have been managing to get away with not knowing much about wine by saying things like, 'that's got a good nose on it.' and 'the notes of melon remind me of summer parties.' But I think people might notice that I'm making it up.

What other things could I say so I can appear sophisticated and knowledgeable? I tried saying 'The winter fruit cocktail sends thoughts of apartheid resonating through the palate.' because a blonde curly haired lady on English telly says things like that, but people thought I was being a moron.

Thanks for your help and wisdom.

David Hall
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David,

The best thing is to be honest and trust your palate.  I assume you live in England and unfortunately, the American Wine Society doesn’t have any chapters there, but talk to people at local wine shops and start tasting wines and asking questions.  You’ll learn more quickly.

John Hames 
Executive Director 
American Wine Society

To Kitekat

Hello.

I would like to complain about your product; Kitkat. I have, on four separate occasions attempted to feed my cat, Mr Tibbins with Kitkats and every time he has turned his nose up at them. It does not seem to matter what kind I offer him, the same has happened each time. The chunky variety was particularly woeful; not only did it dwarf him, the chocolate was so thick he couldn't possibly get his teeth into it to extract the wafer.

I suggest that you reconsider your recipe to include something like - but not necessarily - trout, rainbow trout, salmon, haddock, grouse, cod, duck, rabbit, chicken, plaice, sea bass, bream, pork, beef, turkey, lobster, crab, pidgeon, quail, prawn, spratts, red snapper, pollock, liver, halibut, kidney, lamb, venison, veal, ox tongue, ham, bacon, langustine, crayfish, buffalo or mutton.

I look forward to seeing your product develop.

Yours sincerely,

David Hall and Mr Tibbins

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Dear David,

Thanks for getting in touch.

I suggest that you listen to Mr Tibbins about his snacking preferences. He clearly does not enjoy Kitkats. I feel a bit the same actually, the wafer seems like a cheap substitute for more chocolate. I expect it may be something to do with chocolate being very unhealthy for cats in any case

If you'd like any information about any of our products, please let me know. Kind regards.

Susan Hendy
Consumer Care Consultant

to the National Society of Professional Hypnotherapists

Hello,

I realise that you are the National Society for Professional
Hypnotherapists - there was never a doubt in my mind that you weren't
- and I am only an amateur hypnotherapist... but I could do with some
advice.  The time has come to, so to speak, admit that I have been
defeated by an issue that I was certain I could sort by myself, using
just my grandad's old pocket watch and a soothing tone of voice.

My wife, you see, has been addicted to Maltesers for as long as I can
remember.  It can be insufferable.  There have been days when she has
prodded me awake at three o'clock in the morning to head out on a
Malteser hunt, only to suffer the ignominy of not being able to get
back to sleep for the over zealous crunching of chocolate coated
honeycomb.  Ridiculous.

On the 21st May, this year I decided to take action.  I bought a book
entitled, 'So you want to be a Hypnotherapist?' because, I did.  And I
read it all the way through.  I then went about utilising some of the
techniques the book said.  I began with the basic pocket watch
swinging routine, but to no avail.  In fact, if anything this led to
my wife broadening her addiction to wanting Revels as well.
Preferable in some respects as you can find anything from down the
back of the sofa and call it a Revel.  However, it didn't quite solve
the irrational night time demands problem.

I then moved on to some of the techniques from the 'advanced' section
of the book.  I bathed myself in the excrement of an Irish Pygmy Shrew
and chanted in Hebrew for an hour before approaching my wife with the
cheese grater (I'm sure you're aware of the method).  Unfortunately,
she became nervous, shouting "You don't know what you're doing!" at
me.  I felt that this was a little unfair, but I chose to back off and
put the cheese grater down, before assuring her that I would clean the
bath out before her mother arrived.

Before I get too carried away with telling you about my ordeals I
should just get to the point, shouldn't I?  I would like you to advise
me as to what to do next.  I figured if she could see that I'd
consulted professionals, then she may allow me to continue testing
some of the methods in my book.  I am quite intrigued to attempt the
Hershall Saint-Grindelwald technique - if you could give me some tips
on that one and help me track down three African Tree Frogs, it'd be
much appreciated.

Thanks,

David enthusiastically persevering Hall

to the National Society for the Appreciation of British Roundabouts

Hello.

I am an inventor and have recently devised an excellent traffic calming measure that I think would be of interest to you.

The idea centres around the concept of the humble roundabout. However, on my roundabouts, drivers will be encouraged to get in one of three lanes, each with a different treat awaiting them.

The first lane (nearside) will give drivers the chance to pick a karaoke number for a celebrity singer to perform from the centre of the roundabout. Drivers will be so pleased to see the likes of Ricky Martin, Peter Andre, Chico and Michelle McManus singing classic hits that they will merrily potter round the junction without accident.

The middle lane will be for drivers who suffer from confidence issues. That way everyone will be able to see them and prepare for their ludicrous, ill-conceived maneuvers.

Finally, the outside lane will be reserved for people who have Syphillis. This way, you will never get anyone driving like an idiot, because the only place they can do that is the place where they are telling the world that they have an embarrassing condition. Bob's your aunty; safer roads.

Could you send me a reply to this proposal that outlines how successful you think it would be, so when I go to the Minister for Transport, they will know I have used the best roundabout experts for advise.

Thanks,

David Hall

Calming traffic today, for the children of tomorrow.

To the National Society for Allotments and Garden Leisure

Hello.

I grew a very big carrot this year. Could you tell the members at the AGM?

Thanks.

One proud farmer (I can call myself that, can't I?)

To the Royal Horticultural Society

Hello.

When I wandered out into my garden this evening I was treated to an extraordinary shock. I had trudged over towards my rabbit's hutch - as is the way in the evenings, she needs feeding - and I spied what can only be described as a weird slimy vine climbing up the side of Mr Floppington's house. 

Now I've never seen anything quite this disgusting before. It may even be a completely new plant. Perhaps you can verify this for me? I'll describe it to you. It is a dark green vine type thing with lots of slime on it. It has several leaves on it that look quite spikey and if you poke them with a stick and then smell the end of the stick it has an odour similar to my grandad's bathroom when he had dysentry.

Is this a new species, or can I destroy it? My wife says that it makes her want to sick up all her cornflakes when she looks at it. Her diet is very limited due to IBS.

Any help would be great.

Love David Hall

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Ref: 16856647/207251

 

Dear Mr Hall,

 

Many thanks for your enquiry.  Despite the excellence of your description I am at a loss - if you can send pictures and also your membership number I would be pleased to ponder more fully.

 

I hope this information is helpful.

 

You might be interested to know we offer several forms of self-help on our website for a variety of common problems and requests (see below).

 

Yours sincerely,

 

Guy Barter

Chief Horticultural Advisor

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I am afraid that I cannot supply you with either of the two things you asked for.

The membership number, because I am not strictly a member. Although where else I am supposed to turn I am not sure - the Fire Brigade laughed me out of the station. Secondly, I am unable to provide pictures because I don't have a camera.
I could try and send some sketches? I believe my next door neighbour has a 2b pencil I could borrow so the shading is effective. He says the plant looks like his cousin Margot.

I thank you for getting back to me and hope that my sketches will be good enough. I have an NVQ Level 2 in Ergonomics, so they will be a good standard.

All the best,

David Hall
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Ref: 16856647/207275

 

Dear Mr Hall,

 

Many thanks for your reply.  Although I feel very strongly that you should not be encouraged there is a possibility that your surprising plant could make a major contribution to the development of botanical science.  As you are clearly a skilled draughtsman I look forward to receiving your sketches.

 

I hope this information is helpful.

 

You might be interested to know we offer several forms of self-help on our website for a variety of common problems and requests (see below).

 

Yours sincerely,

 

Guy Barter

Chief Horticultural Advisor

----------------------------------------------------------

This is my drawing of the beast.  I hope the thing which I now contend with is more obvious to you.

Love David Hall

To Uncle Ben

Hello, 

I have recently become a fan of geneaology and - although it disheartens me to say it - I have discovered that 'Uncle' Ben, isn't really related to me. My biggest concern is my daughter's relationship with our fraudulent uncle. How can I break the news to her without risking her losing the ability to trust? 

Any help would be much appreciated. 


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Dear David,

Thank you for contacting us and I'm pleased to hear about your new genealogy hobby.
It is always a shock when you discover a much loved member of your family isn't a direct relative but you have to remember the joy and happiness that person has bought in to your life.
I'm sure, as a caring and thoughtful father, you will be able to explain to your daughter about her Uncle Ben and the positive influences he has had on her life.


If you need any further information or advice please contact our Consumer Careline on the telephone number below and one of our Consumer Care Advisors will be more than happy to help you.

Kind regards.

Paula Ricketts