To Cadbury...

Hello.

I would like to ask you about your advertising slogan 'full of eastern promise', with regard to Fry's Turkish Delight.

I was once promised £15 by a Norfolk farmer for using my position on the 'Norfolk's Most Impressive Root Vegetable' judging panel to nominate his carrots for the top prize of £50, a golden trowel and two tickets to see The Wurzels at Carrow Road.

Needless to say, I kept my part of the deal with a generous rating of 9.5/10 and a review that likened the produce to 'Zeus's fingers'. But he never gave me my £15! Never saw or heard from him again. Is that the kind of eastern promise that you want to affiliate yourselves with? Is it?

I await your reply eagerly.

David Hall

To Galaxy Chocolate...

Hello.

I am an amateur astronomer and part time chiropodist and would like to ask you a question about your chocolate bar, Galaxy.

Are you ready? Here it comes.

If you like, you can imagine it being served up like a tennis ball - from me, to you. Not an unreturnable 140mph serve, but gently lobbed up for you to casually stroke back into court. Perhaps with a ladylike yelp as you work your topspin forehand. Do you mind if I imagine you to be Maria Sharapova? Only be sure to be in flat shoes, I want to make sure I'm taller than you.

Right, question time. Why is a Galaxy chocolate bar called: Galaxy? Is it because it is representative of an infinitely expanding system of stars and planets like I think it must be? But if so, which Galaxy? Surely not the Milky Way as we well know that it is best presented as nougat coated in milk chocolate.

Thanks in advance.

David Hall
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Dear David,

Thank you very much for your interesting email - I have never contemplated the name "Galaxy" before.

Unfortunately, there is no official statement on how any of our products were named. However, I believe the name may be to suggest that our chocolate products are out of this world as we also have Mars, Milky Way, Magic Stars and Mars Planets. I think we can safely sense a theme going on here...

Once again, thank you for contacting us and I hope keep enjoying our chocolate on solid ground.

Kind Regards

Perri Butler

Consumer Care Consultant

To the Society for Homeopathy...

Hello.

I would like to introduce myself.  I am David Hall; water enthusiast.

I have been a huge fan of water and its benefits for the last nine years.  In fact, every opportunity to use water I take it.  In the past week alone I drank water, washed with water, shot a water pistol, went on a water slide, swam in water, slept on a water bed and watched films past the watershed.  My favourite kind of water is still water, but on weekends I quite like sparkling.

Would you like to interview me for a feature in your newsletter?  I will be in Moulton visiting my Great Aunt on the 17th August so could pop into your offices for a chat.

Thanks,

David Hall

To the Institute for Professional Inventors...

Hello.

I am an enthusiastic amateur inventor and I would like to tell you about how I plan to revolutionise the music industry.

It stems from a long time search for a new note. One sought after for many a moon; the elusive B#. Now, I'm not going to pretend to have found it, but I think I'm close. only with another new note that I call 'B-Blunt'. I've named it after my favourite singer and tank commander.

I think it's important that I describe the note to you so you can imagine my excitement at its discovery. It sounds like a combination of: delirium, tinitus and the sound of the initial incision in a French Autopsy. Now imagine that held for four beats by a bassoon (which incidentally is my instrument of choice after progressing from the clarinet at age 9) and I trust that has painted an excellent aural picture for you.

How might I go about patenting my new musical note? I shall have to get it done quickly, I already feel like I've told you too much.

Many thanks,

David Hall

To the Magic Circle...

Hello.

I am a huge fan of the Magic Circle and applaud both magic and single sided geometric shapes.

I am also hoping that you - the most magic of circles - may be able to help me. I am looking to get in contact with the popular rock band Wizard to ask them to play a set for my wife's birthday. Can you send me their phone number, please?

I will ensure that they are well looked after. I have already managed to purchase a flagon of Butter Beer and an assortment of snacks including Chocolate Frogs and Bertie Botts' Every Flavour Beans. Everything I would expect to see on their rider.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Thanks,

David Hall

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Hello

I regret we have no idea! Suggest you Google 'Wizard Rock Band' and see what you find.

Regards,

Peter

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Peter,

I thank you for your reply to my email. It was an extremely swift reply and I commend you for it. The band I refer to is Wizard, German  Metal band formed in 1989 by Soren 'Snoppi' Van Heek.

My wife is a big fan of the incorporation of Norse mythology into their songs. I must agree, it is something.

Have you got any contacts for Snoppi? I think he would be the best person to help arrange a birthday party that incorporates Germany's answer to Manowar.

Thanks again,

David Hall

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David

We are a society of professional and amateur magicians and have no records of rock bands etc.

Regards,

Peter