To Argos...

Hello.

I have been working in Argos for a number of years now and am looking for a change of career.  I was thinking that being a novellist might be suitable so I have sent you a sample of my latest horror piece.  It would be lovely to hear what you think.

As the perpetrator chased Jenny down the long, winding, but in no way meandering corridor, he caught his reflection in one of his pieces of artwork that lined the dank walls of this god forsaken corridor.  It was the drawing of Myrah Hindley he’d done in junior school, coloured using the crayola arts and crafts mega value pack, it was a fine piece of work.  Carefully shaded using virtually every item of the 60 piece collection, her arms wide open, so that when he stood in front of it, it was as though she was hugging him.  Glinting in the picture he caught sight of the knife he had been wielding throughout his chase.  It was a lethal looking utensil, and so it should be, it was the long one from the Sabatier 4 piece knife set with magnetic rack, sharpened with precision using the Kenwood chrome knife sharper.  The same knife sharpener that Harold Shipman used to file his toenails with… before murdering people.

Hurtling down the corridor he could begin to smell the sweat on his victim's body.  If only she'd been wearing the sweat bands from the Reebok pilates band kit like he was.  He wiped his brow again as he turned the corner to see his victim trapped in a dead end, with her Elizabeth Duke necklace glistening in the moonlight.  He could smell that this was a prize he wanted.  A victim who knew where she could find cheap, affordable jewellery, and not be tempted by more expensive high street goods merely for their fashionable credibility.

“What do you want from me?!” she shouted at the top of her voice.

“To be spoilt for choice with a fantastic range of over 16,500 great value products.” he said coolly, “And to kill you…” he said slightly less coolly.  More menacingly in fact.

Jenny, unsurprisingly, began to panic.  “I’ll give you anything!  Just don’t hurt me!”

“Really?” he replied, with surprisingly quick resolve for such a weird, oft murdering bastard.  “How about my old job back?  And a 10% discount card to start with, instead of having to wait for 6 months like the store protocol demands.”

Startled at his request, Jenny began to fumble around for some kind of weapon.  It was dark and she could see bugger all, especially when he reflected light from his Casio protrek triple sensor watch into her eyes.

 “I want my old job back Jenny…” he said in that freaky voice the bloke from Scream uses when he’s on the phone.

“But who are you?” Jenny said, more demandingly now.  She knew she had some kind of deal she could negotiate now and negotiating was something Jenny was good at.  She didn’t become Area manager for nothing.

“You don’t remember your own…?”  He could’ve finished the sentence there and then to be honest.  But he didn’t.  He waited until the next chapter, which you may think is cruel of him… but that's just how it goes sometimes.

Thanks,

David Hall

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