To The Party Hire People...

Message: Hi,

I'm not going to mess about here, so I'll let you know. Last year I fucked up. I mean properly. Uncle Keith said that he just wanted a quiet 50th party, so I organised a little get together with some family, friends and Hossain from next door and the shit hit the fan. No, literally. Hossain has a colostomy bag and when he used it to do the first word of 'Catcher in the Rye' during charades, the ceiling fan did the rest. Needless to say, the party has become memorable for all the wrong reasons. Although, thankfully blind Aunt Doris didn't notice. She just thought her cappuccino tasted a bit 'nutty'.

So this year I want to do something special. Have you got a mould for a person shaped jelly or blancmange? I wanted to try and fashion a giant Uncle Keith to act as a centre piece.

Also, were I to hire the lovely elephant vase I have seen a picture of, could I use it to serve punch from?

Thanks,

Geoff Spangle
Venue: Uncle Keith's house
Date Of Event: 12/9/2015

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Good afternoon, gosh you do have a lot to put right.

Unfortunately I do not have an adult mould but I am shaped rather like a blancmange so maybe we could consider myself and spray paint?

The elephant vase is to precious to hire but I do have An equally delightful flamingo vase you are welcome to.. I would feel this is safer with blind Aunty Doris as she may find the elephant trunks a tad phallic and who knows where that would end.

Yours & happy to wobble it all

Polly

 

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Gosh, I'm so pleased you'd be willing to help! I was actually hoping for an edible centre piece. The thing is, I've got some strippers coming and they were going to feed Uncle Keith the big Keith jelly as part of their routine.

If we were to spray paint you, would be able to put some kind of jelly, or even Angel Delight in your pockets, so as not to ruin their choreography?

Also, you are probably right about Doris. She's pure filth.

Could you put together a quotation for me? For the spray painted you with jelly pockets and flamingo punch vase.

G Spangle

 

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I do have an edible bra & thong we could utilise to give everyone a nibble

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Blimey. Your website didn't make me think that you would provide such a service...

On second thoughts, edible undies might play havoc with Uncle Keith's teeth. He fractured his jaw in Nam.

Could we stick with the pockets idea?
 

Geoff

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Hi,

Any chance of that quotation? The strippers need me to let them know what props they've got to work with.

Also, could we make sure the spray paint is something calming, like an azure blue. Uncle Keith's blood pressure can get a bit high, so that might be nice and calming.

G

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Sorry for any delay I was pricing up blancmange. The price would be £7893471

This of course would include a tribal dance routine but delivery cost would need to be added at £609 per 100 yards.

Please ensure you arrange public liability insurance due to Keith's BP difficulties and I am known to raise a brow or to

Regards
 

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That's a little more than I was expecting. What would happen if I provided some Butterscotch Angel Delight in place of the blancmange? It's on offer in Morrisons.

Uncle Keith's house is in Daventry. What would the mileage look like to there?

G Spang

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Unfortunately I have a severe allergy to things on offer.

Davenage would actually be free as I have a cat in a cattery there who I haven't seen for 27 years and keep meaning to visit!

 
Polly

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That's amazing. But, I can't believe I have to tell you this after how accommodating you've been.

Uncle Keith just died. Just now. Something to do with his aorta.

Really sorry. I might be in touch about the wake. He really loved drinking tea from sets of three tea cups.

Spangle

 

 

 

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So sorry to hear that, we do do a corpse sushi range for that last bond with your loved one! It's quite handy as the body also acts as a chiller

Polly

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Thanks. I'm so sorry that you won't get to see your cat.