To Mars Consumer Care

Hello.

I feel the need to complain about your ridiculous Bounty slogan, 'the stronger soaker upper'. It's stupid. I tried it the other day when my washing machine leaked all over the kitchen floor. All that happened was the chocolate started melting and I found myself smearing dessicated coconut into my sandstone effect kitchen floor tiles. It was disgusting.

The only thing that was soaked up was my pride.

Yours,

Disgruntled of Tunbridge Wells.

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Dear David,

Thanks for getting in touch.

I think that you may be confusing our Bounty Chocolate Bar with Bounty kitchen towels, now known as Plenty. So may I suggest that you contact them if you have any issues with the absorbancy of the towels.

I apologise for any confusion you may have experienced on this occasion, but we would not advise that you use our Bounty Chocolate Bar for cleaning your sandstone floor again in the future.

Once again, thanks for contacting Mars. Please do not hesitate to get in touch about anything to do specifically with our products and brands.

Kind regards,

Samantha Newitt
Consumer Care Team
0845 045 0042 

To Hovis...

Hello.

At Easter time I think you should announce a new economoy loaf that uses a mixture of doughs left over from previous batches across the factory. It could be released and called 'the Salvation'. My advisors believe that releasing it with the slogan 'It Is Risen' will spark National interest...

You can pay me for this idea with a year long supply of toast.

Love,

David

To the makers of Monopoly

Dear Monopoly,


Here are some suggestions for new Chance cards:

You have won a reality TV show and earn £100,000. However, the fame is short-lived and in three goes time you are found in a pit of depression from which there is no likely return. You lose all of your property and have to forge a new life under a different identity.


You are mugged by a gang of hoodies and lose £50. However, on the insurance claim you charge for a lost Rolex. Earn £850.


You go to a party at Michael Barrymore's house. Receive £1000 to never speak of it to anyone.


Your electrical company is bought out by Powergen. Return it to the bank and receive their generous offer of £10. This is exceedingly reasonable during this economic downturn.


You are welcome.

To The Guardian. In response to their top ten things not to say in an interview article.

 Where were:
1. Is there good ventilation in your toilets? I have terrible IBS.
2. Have your computers got Minesweeper?
3. I learnt excellent leadership skills by helping my uncle smuggle Eastern European pre-pubescents into the country for his... why are you looking at me like that?
4. I can wee and brush my teeth... that's multi skilled, right?
5. What's your policy for people who suffer from excessive procrastinationatisis? Yes it's a real disease.
6. Your face reminds me of my old Catholic Priest. No... wait... Gary Glitte... Were you ever on a register?
7. Is spam available in the canteen? It's very important that I am within 57m of some spam. Yes, at ALL times.
8. My dad says MD means Massive Dickhead!
9. I love the taste of desks.
10. Did I mention I used to work as a wedding singer? Lunchtimes with me are a HOOT!

To Gordon Ramsay

Mr Ramsay,


I am in great admiration for your Real Gravy in English pubs and restaurants campaign.  However, I think it could go further.  Why not extend it into Africa?


Think of the advantages if little African children were fetching gravy on their three mile walk, as opposed to H2O:
1. Gravy is thicker. It therefore has a greater surface tension and is harder to spill.
2. It is much more versatile. They could drink it, or put it on their chips.
3. They would have a starting point from which to create Africa's first Toby Carvery.


It just makes good sense, Gordon.


Hugs and kisses,


D Hall x

To Royal Mail

Day One:

I am really excited.  My owners have sent me on a fantastic journey!  I'm going to a new wonderful place, and they must think I'm really important because they are recording my delivery.  I am most looking forward to going on lots of different types of transport - some of the other packages say that we could even be going on a plane!

Day Two:

Today is the day that I should have arrived, but for some reason there is a delay.  It'll be ok though.  Some of the other packages say that this sort of thing always happens, so I'm not worried.

Day Three:

I haven't moved at all today.  I really hoped that I would because I should have been at my destination yesterday, but I'm sure it will be ok.  I am traveling with a service endorsed by the Queen, don't you know?

Day Four:

My owners tried to track my delivery today but they couldn't because the service was down.  I hope they aren't too worried about me.  I'm packaged in one of the best jiffy bags money can buy so my hardened brown paper covered bubble wrap exterior should protect me.  One of the other packages said that we were going to be stuck here.  I hope he's wrong.

Day Five:

It is very cold in this room.  I don't think they have heating.

Day Six:

Apparently nothing happens on a Sunday.  Even when we are running this late.  One of the other packages said that it is because people go to Church on Sunday so they don't want to get packages.  I think people could probably do both.

Day Seven:

One of the other packages heard a van outside.  We hoped it was someone come to collect us and take us to our destinations.  It wasn't.

Day Eight:

One of the other packages was talking about Guantanamo Bay.  We like to think about better places.

Day Nine:

My owner tried to track me again and found that I was still with Royal Mail.  I bet my owner was really angry, I should have been at my destination a week ago.  I heard that my owner phoned the customer services and was told that nothing could be done until I had been lost for eight working days.  I don't want to be lost.

Day Ten:

I think I have entered the Twilight Zone.  Or the Bermuda Triangle.  Or a Black Hole.

Day Eleven:

I am worried that I am lost.

To all Londoners... be afraid.

Colin Firth has been given freedom of your city.  Freedom - the power to determine action without restraint.  Bloody hell.

Long gone are the days when care free Londoners could arrive home from work without fear of Colin Firth standing in their hallway, eyeing up their ballestrade.  Past are the days when Londoners could enter a coffee house without risk of Colin Firth shiftying in front of them in the queue to place his order for a skinny latte. And behind us are the days when pub landlords would only be stumping up a drink on the house for their friends or war heroes; now Colin Firth will want one too.

Perhaps I'm being a bit literal.  Freedom of the city of London doesn't quite mean that Colin Firth can do anything he likes, that'd be insufferable.  He'd be jumping into the Thames in white shirts and making everyone watch him all the time.  Nightmare.  Actually what it means is that he could, should he choose, drive cattle or sheep across London Bridge; have a silken rope if hanged; carry a naked sword in public; or if a Policeman finds him pissed as a fart, staggering down the street, then Colin Firth can expect to have a taxi hailed and paid for, rather than a night in the nick.

All valuable privileges, I'm sure you'll agree.

However should you, Londoners, take Umbridge to this, then there is a way.  Brian Llewelyn a'i Ferched, found at county-stores.com, has a wide range of cattle grids that can be bought for as little as £870 and this could be a small price to pay to keep London Bridge clear of Colin Firth's livestock.  Londoners have no reason to fear a silken rope.  Londoners, keep encouraging Colin Firth to jump in the Thames in his white shirt; his sword will soon rust.  And should any Londoners see a policeman hailing Colin Firth a taxi?  Tell him he's got Hugh Grant and the man deserves a night in the cells.

To the Embassy of Brunei

I would like to send a message to the Sultan of Brunei.

Would it be possible to summon the Sultan's email address for I am slumped sullenly on my two piece suite at a loss as to how I can successfully submit my subconscious Sultan related queries.

Perhaps you can suddenly enlighten me sufficiently so that I am not sulkily subjecting myself to superseding my email thoughts into handwritten script.  That, I wouldn't suppose to be successful as my fingers are susceptible to stickiness as I scoff sumptuous sultanas and suchlike constantly to sustain a superstition.  Stunningly I can subtly succumb one hand to superlatively state, in Calibri 11pt, some mental sustenance, leaving the other hand surplus to supplicate superstition.  A superb skill to be able to subjugate, all told.

So if you could succour to succumb to send the Sultan's email address sufficiently speedily.  I would be substantially grateful.

Thanks,

David Hall

Other words that are alphabetically similar to the word 'Sultan' can be found in the Dictionary.

To the Doctor of War Studies at King's College, London...

Well,

As the hour hits

Really late, I am

Here thinking that

Underneath it all, I

Honestly don't get war.

War is a strange one.

Here we are in a time of

Advances in everything remotely

Technological and we are still

In this predicament where

Soldierly behaviour is commonplace.

In this day and age I'd have

Thought we would be able to

Gather our thoughts and

Oh, I don't know...

Organise our nuances and

Demonstrate our beliefs less

Forcefully? Well, who am I to

Offload these musings on you?

Really, I should just shut up, shouldn't I?

To the department for 'Better Beginnings' at Queen's University, Canada.

In search of a better beginning

Dear Kelly,

I began writing a novel in the early part of January.  It is a gripping thriller about a squirrel called Susan, who is constantly bombarded with phone calls and letters from a really scary squirrel who wears a mask.  His name is never revealed because it is scarier that way.  Could you please help me develop a better beginning?  It's a little rough around the edges at the moment and I think that with some of your beginnings expertise I could really get this bad boy moving.

Currently I've got:

The rain dripped dismally down the veins of the bark of the gnarled old oak tree.  It had been a cold winter thus far, and a cold winter it seemed to be staying.  At least for the foreseeable.  But it was not just the cold and the rain that led Susan the squirrel to shiver... it had happened again.  For the third night running, she had heard a voice.  A voice that sounded like death.

I think it has promise, but I could do with some advice as to how I can really introduce the reader to the sheer terror that Susan is feeling this point.  She's really pretty frightened and I'm not sure I've quite convinced the audience of that.  Perhaps I should set it somewhere different?  A small cranny on a space ship for a sci-fi feel, maybe?

Any help would be wonderful.  I look forward to crafting a 'better beginning' with you.

Thanks,

David

(You can call me Dave)

To the Swiss Minister for Cultural Development...

Hi,

I am a Primary school teacher looking to develop my pupils' awareness of Swiss culture by embarking upon 'Switzerland Day' later this month.  As part of this I would like to introduce the pupils to your national dish, but although I can find the ingredients for Toblerone on the side of a packet, there are no instructions to tell me how to get the nougat inside the chocolate, or how to make it all pointy looking.

Please can you help?

Thanks,

Mr Hall

Head of Year 4

To the Iranian Embassy...

Hello,

I am writing to enquire if I would be able to represent Iran at the London Olympic games.  I am more than willing to take part in any event where there is a gap in the team.  You will find me a versatile sportsman, who is equally talented at all sports.  Really.  I am equally good at all of them.

The reason that I would like to represent Iran is because I think it would be an excellent opportunity for me learn about a new, vibrant culture, and also help out a team that doesn't have as many athletes as some of the other nations.  Please notice how I placed the slightly pitying reason second.

I'm not promising that I will be able to deliver a medal winning performance... but I'll try really hard.  I hope you consider my application.

Thanks.

To The Elder Wisdom Circle 4...

 YOUR ORIGINAL QUESTION:  Hello.I have a serious moral dilemma and I am at a loss as to how I should deal with it. Recently I joined the Air Force as a pilot; all was going well until I received my latest mission.

A large ape has taken a female hostage and scaled the Empire State Building. We are to fly in and shoot the creature down.

Now as a vegetarian I am already morally adverse to any sort of animal cruelty, but what I am really concerned about is possibly exascerbating the situation. How do primates usually respond to machine gun fire? I am terrified to take this mission on... should I turn in my wings now?

Please help. We fly out imminently.


ELDER RESPONSE:  Guess you're safe... at least for the moment.  When I turned on the news this AM they indicated that the day... as well as the damsel... was saved by Mighty Mouse who came flying in at the last moment.  So you dodged the bullet this time.  But next time?

As far as your job future? It might be best to turn in your wings.  You might be better off... say working in a coal mine.... as you don't seem up to the task of flying high or pulling the trigger.  Hiding below ground might be a better choice.  Just make sure to wear traditional work clothing while working.  Hate to see you ruin a sophisticated suit.

However if you remain as a pilot keep in mind that refusal to obey a direct order... or dereliction of duty... is a court marshal offense.  If done in time of war it could also bring about the death penalty.  I think firing squads are passe... but most folks, like apes, don't respond well to gun fire.  Hanging might be another option if you feel you want to be a real swinger.

Regardless of your choice keep your head down and your powder dry.



               Best Regards,

To The Elder Wisdom Circle 3...

YOUR ORIGINAL QUESTION:  Hello.I am thinking about buying a new suit. I am of slender build and stand at 6ft 2“. I need something that's; sophisticated, yet laid back; light, but also hard wearing; domineering, but with the rustic charm of a young Humphrey Bogart.

What kind of cut or material do you think would suit me?

Please help.

Also, I work as a miner so it should be machine washable.



ELDER RESPONSE:  As a sophisticated man, you must start by refraining to wear your new suit while engaged in mining.  It would not provide you with the protection or durability afforded by normal mining gear.  We would recommend sticking to your Carhart heavy canvas type mining apparel for mining, and when you wish to transform into "A Sophisticated Man", get cleaned up and don your suit for a night on the town.



As such, dark suits are what is most fashionable now, and classic cuts are more endearing for most men.  We would recommend a dark blue or black suit if you are going to purchase just one suit.  Navy and black are suitable for most all occasions, and a light or "chalk stripe" adds style and sophistication.  You can make it look totally different by your choice of shirt color and style as well as your tie.  A white shirt is the classic look, while a solid dark charcoal or black shirt is more of a fashion statement.  Your tie sets your ensemble off.  You can go with a bright, multi colored tie such as a Jerry Garcia, or with a classic solid colored tie for more business situations.

Also, don't forget to get an appropriate shoe.  You don't want to be wearing your mining boots with this.  A cap toe oxford is always a stylish choice.

Lastly, no suit is machine washable.  Just take a good hot shower ahead of time and try not to get dirty while wearing it.  If it does need cleaning, take it to a good dry cleaner, which is much cheaper than buying a whole new suit.  We would recommend a lightweight year around wool fabric, as you can then wear it year around (hence the name.)

Always hang your suit on a nice hanger so it doesn't wrinkle.  The wool will resist wrinkling if you treat it well.  Also, don't buy the suit online.  Go to a store so you can try it on and see how it looks.  Fit is everything in a "sophisticated suit."


Good Luck, and enjoy!



Best Regards,

To The Elder Wisdom Circle 2...

YOUR ORIGINAL QUESTION:  Hello.

I have been set a challenge by my maths tutor to prove that 0*0=0. I'm sure it does because my abacus says so, but then; no lots of nothing? That could be something, right?

Please could you help?

 ELDER RESPONSE:  We are sorry but our policy is not to attempt to answer any school, exam or homework questions.  We think you could ask the teacher for help.


               Best Regards,

To The Elder Wisdom Circle 1...

YOUR ORIGINAL QUESTION:  Hello. I have a mole on my back that I'm really concerned about. It seems ground down by a number of factors; its poor eyesight and the fact it is often subjected to living underground being just a couple of things.


What can I do? The close comfort of allowing him to ride on my shoulders appears to have helped improve his mood, but I am afraid this can't continue. He is clawing my suit and it's now looking quite threadbare in several places.

Please help.



ELDER RESPONSE:  There are of course two different moles; that on your skin, known as a nevus, and the animal you describe that lives underground... but then, we suspect you knew that.

If you have an irritated mole on your skin, you MUST see a physician for fear that it could be something worse.

We are forbidden by law and our Charter from providing medical advice, so please see a doctor if you are decribing a skin lesion.



               Best Regards,