To the Society for Music Analysis...

Hello.

I am a part time physiotherapist and music enthusiast.  Recently I have become very preoccupied with analysing the music I listen to and I thought you might be interested to see what I've come up with.

This week I have focussed on analysing the current top 40 hit single Pound the Alarm by Nicki Minaj.  Now clearly there is an excellent hook and the synchopated bass leaves your spine a quiver from the cervical vertebrae to the coccyx.  But the real genius lies in the lyrical beauty of the song.  From the opening, "Oh, oh, oh, come fill my glass up a little more, we 'bout to get up, and burn this floor" It draws the listener into a clear setting.  A pub that does not fill their glasses to the brim.  A Wetherspoons, perhaps.  Minaj cements this in the listeners' mind by adding, "You know we getting hotter, and hotter, sexy and hotter, let's shut it down."  Not only are glasses being left unfilled, but the air conditioning is on the blink.  The listener moves from the generic Wetherspoons, to The Earl of Dalkeith in Kettering.  This is precision imagery created by the poetry of Minaj's words.

The listener is at this point left in an uncomfortable position.  A position mirrored by the tense atmosphere of an under ventilated bar area.  Can this song get any better? Luckily for our listener, it can.  "Yo, what I gotta do to show these girls that I own them, some call me Nicki, and some call me Roman."  Our protagonist is suffering from an identity crisis.  An exposition that provides intrigue, particularly when our heroine becomes disorientated from her Northamptonshire setting, saying "Skeeza, pleez, I'm in Ibiza."  The listener is on the edge of their seat.  Minaj is confused; she's suffered the ignominy of being served short measures and she's enduring an unbearable heat.  'How will she cope?' scream the listeners.  "Giuseppe Zanotti, my own sneaker, sexy, sexy that's all I do, if you need a bad b-tch, let me call a few."  Not well answers Minaj.  Giving her training shoes an exotic sounding Italian name is the beginning of her downfall; associating with unsavoury characters another step down a slippery slope.  From then on, we fear the capitulation of Minaj.  She is like a young Hamlet, enduring life through a feigned madness in order to combat the trials and tribulations that only 'having fun' in Kettering town centre can throw at you.

"Ok bottle, sip, bottle, guzzle, I'm a bad b-tch, no muzzle, hey?"  Alcoholism.  Evidently the caprice of our youg fillie.  It's a slippery slide and she's heading all the way down it.

In essence, this work of Minaj's is a damning indictment of what may happen should you find yourself in her shoes.  The youth of today best heed her warning, lest they find themselves dealing with being poured a short measure, whilst enduring a humid environment in a similar manner.  And we all know how that will turn out now. 

Nine out of ten.

By David Hall

I hope you have enjoyed my music analysis.  Please feel free to place it in your newsletter.

Thanks,

David Hall

To the National Society of Mural Painters...

Hello.

I have just discovered your society and am so pleased to have found that there are others in the world doing what I am doing.

I did my first Murial painting in 1973. It was of my Great Aunty Murial, who was at the time 94. I had managed to convince her to wear her turquoise trouser suit with matching hat and captured her quiet, pensive nature in the delicacy of my water colour.

The second Murial painting was not for another three and a half years. I was visiting my Great Aunty and discovered that she had a friend of the same name. It remains the only double Murial painting in my collection.

From then on, I made Murial painting a hobby: I painted Murial Pounewatchy, 86 and from County Derry with her miniature schnauzer; Murial Greenacre, 72 from Chievely at Legoland; Murial St. Ledger, 78 from Brancaster in her husband's Morris Marina; Murial Le Blanc, 12 from Chepstow on a bouncy castle and Murial Davies, 43 and a half from Luxembourg doing a slightly raunchy impersonation of former Blue Peter presenter Konnie Huq.

Would you like to see some of my work? Perhaps you might like to feature some of the paintings in a newsletter?

I look forward to hearing from you!

Love from David Hall

To Pedigree Chum...

Hello.

I would like to ask you for some advice.

I have recently become a Furry. I have obtained a very realistic Rottweiler costume from a local pet shop and am very pleased with it. The polyester/viscose blend (62%/38%) is a delight and a pleasure to stroke, fondle and/or ruffle. When in costume I refer to myself as Kenneth.

However, there are some elements of Furry life that I am nervous about. What if other Furries at our get togethers choose to dine on animal appropriate food? Do you have something that tastes vaguely pleasant? I very much like Ginsters pasties; does something in your range taste like one of them?

Thanks for your help.

Kenneth
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Dear Kenneth

All of our  petfoods are produced under hygienic conditions and cooked at temperatures which make the products sterile.

Whilst designed for animal palates, the products are perfectly safe should they be consumed by humans (e.g. accidentally by toddlers from a dog or cat bowl), so we can categorically reassure you that humans will not come to any harm through eating [dog / cat] food. However, we should stress we would not recommend using dog food as a long-term feeding regime for a human.

Kind regards,

Gail Jones