To all Londoners... be afraid.

Colin Firth has been given freedom of your city.  Freedom - the power to determine action without restraint.  Bloody hell.

Long gone are the days when care free Londoners could arrive home from work without fear of Colin Firth standing in their hallway, eyeing up their ballestrade.  Past are the days when Londoners could enter a coffee house without risk of Colin Firth shiftying in front of them in the queue to place his order for a skinny latte. And behind us are the days when pub landlords would only be stumping up a drink on the house for their friends or war heroes; now Colin Firth will want one too.

Perhaps I'm being a bit literal.  Freedom of the city of London doesn't quite mean that Colin Firth can do anything he likes, that'd be insufferable.  He'd be jumping into the Thames in white shirts and making everyone watch him all the time.  Nightmare.  Actually what it means is that he could, should he choose, drive cattle or sheep across London Bridge; have a silken rope if hanged; carry a naked sword in public; or if a Policeman finds him pissed as a fart, staggering down the street, then Colin Firth can expect to have a taxi hailed and paid for, rather than a night in the nick.

All valuable privileges, I'm sure you'll agree.

However should you, Londoners, take Umbridge to this, then there is a way.  Brian Llewelyn a'i Ferched, found at county-stores.com, has a wide range of cattle grids that can be bought for as little as £870 and this could be a small price to pay to keep London Bridge clear of Colin Firth's livestock.  Londoners have no reason to fear a silken rope.  Londoners, keep encouraging Colin Firth to jump in the Thames in his white shirt; his sword will soon rust.  And should any Londoners see a policeman hailing Colin Firth a taxi?  Tell him he's got Hugh Grant and the man deserves a night in the cells.