To The Guardian. In response to their top ten things not to say in an interview article.

 Where were:
1. Is there good ventilation in your toilets? I have terrible IBS.
2. Have your computers got Minesweeper?
3. I learnt excellent leadership skills by helping my uncle smuggle Eastern European pre-pubescents into the country for his... why are you looking at me like that?
4. I can wee and brush my teeth... that's multi skilled, right?
5. What's your policy for people who suffer from excessive procrastinationatisis? Yes it's a real disease.
6. Your face reminds me of my old Catholic Priest. No... wait... Gary Glitte... Were you ever on a register?
7. Is spam available in the canteen? It's very important that I am within 57m of some spam. Yes, at ALL times.
8. My dad says MD means Massive Dickhead!
9. I love the taste of desks.
10. Did I mention I used to work as a wedding singer? Lunchtimes with me are a HOOT!