To the Royal Horticultural Society

Hello.

When I wandered out into my garden this evening I was treated to an extraordinary shock. I had trudged over towards my rabbit's hutch - as is the way in the evenings, she needs feeding - and I spied what can only be described as a weird slimy vine climbing up the side of Mr Floppington's house. 

Now I've never seen anything quite this disgusting before. It may even be a completely new plant. Perhaps you can verify this for me? I'll describe it to you. It is a dark green vine type thing with lots of slime on it. It has several leaves on it that look quite spikey and if you poke them with a stick and then smell the end of the stick it has an odour similar to my grandad's bathroom when he had dysentry.

Is this a new species, or can I destroy it? My wife says that it makes her want to sick up all her cornflakes when she looks at it. Her diet is very limited due to IBS.

Any help would be great.

Love David Hall

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Ref: 16856647/207251

 

Dear Mr Hall,

 

Many thanks for your enquiry.  Despite the excellence of your description I am at a loss - if you can send pictures and also your membership number I would be pleased to ponder more fully.

 

I hope this information is helpful.

 

You might be interested to know we offer several forms of self-help on our website for a variety of common problems and requests (see below).

 

Yours sincerely,

 

Guy Barter

Chief Horticultural Advisor

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I am afraid that I cannot supply you with either of the two things you asked for.

The membership number, because I am not strictly a member. Although where else I am supposed to turn I am not sure - the Fire Brigade laughed me out of the station. Secondly, I am unable to provide pictures because I don't have a camera.
I could try and send some sketches? I believe my next door neighbour has a 2b pencil I could borrow so the shading is effective. He says the plant looks like his cousin Margot.

I thank you for getting back to me and hope that my sketches will be good enough. I have an NVQ Level 2 in Ergonomics, so they will be a good standard.

All the best,

David Hall
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Ref: 16856647/207275

 

Dear Mr Hall,

 

Many thanks for your reply.  Although I feel very strongly that you should not be encouraged there is a possibility that your surprising plant could make a major contribution to the development of botanical science.  As you are clearly a skilled draughtsman I look forward to receiving your sketches.

 

I hope this information is helpful.

 

You might be interested to know we offer several forms of self-help on our website for a variety of common problems and requests (see below).

 

Yours sincerely,

 

Guy Barter

Chief Horticultural Advisor

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This is my drawing of the beast.  I hope the thing which I now contend with is more obvious to you.

Love David Hall