to the National Society of Professional Hypnotherapists

Hello,

I realise that you are the National Society for Professional
Hypnotherapists - there was never a doubt in my mind that you weren't
- and I am only an amateur hypnotherapist... but I could do with some
advice.  The time has come to, so to speak, admit that I have been
defeated by an issue that I was certain I could sort by myself, using
just my grandad's old pocket watch and a soothing tone of voice.

My wife, you see, has been addicted to Maltesers for as long as I can
remember.  It can be insufferable.  There have been days when she has
prodded me awake at three o'clock in the morning to head out on a
Malteser hunt, only to suffer the ignominy of not being able to get
back to sleep for the over zealous crunching of chocolate coated
honeycomb.  Ridiculous.

On the 21st May, this year I decided to take action.  I bought a book
entitled, 'So you want to be a Hypnotherapist?' because, I did.  And I
read it all the way through.  I then went about utilising some of the
techniques the book said.  I began with the basic pocket watch
swinging routine, but to no avail.  In fact, if anything this led to
my wife broadening her addiction to wanting Revels as well.
Preferable in some respects as you can find anything from down the
back of the sofa and call it a Revel.  However, it didn't quite solve
the irrational night time demands problem.

I then moved on to some of the techniques from the 'advanced' section
of the book.  I bathed myself in the excrement of an Irish Pygmy Shrew
and chanted in Hebrew for an hour before approaching my wife with the
cheese grater (I'm sure you're aware of the method).  Unfortunately,
she became nervous, shouting "You don't know what you're doing!" at
me.  I felt that this was a little unfair, but I chose to back off and
put the cheese grater down, before assuring her that I would clean the
bath out before her mother arrived.

Before I get too carried away with telling you about my ordeals I
should just get to the point, shouldn't I?  I would like you to advise
me as to what to do next.  I figured if she could see that I'd
consulted professionals, then she may allow me to continue testing
some of the methods in my book.  I am quite intrigued to attempt the
Hershall Saint-Grindelwald technique - if you could give me some tips
on that one and help me track down three African Tree Frogs, it'd be
much appreciated.

Thanks,

David enthusiastically persevering Hall