To the Team GB Bobsled Team...

Hello.

I recently watched a thorough and emotive documentary about Bobsledding and was deeply struck by how exhilirating the sport is.  The speeds that the athletes reach and the risk they put themselves in is truly astonishing.

I found the documentary exceedingly informative.  It focussed around a central theme that sprinters make the best bobsledders, because of their ability to get the sled off to a quick start.  I was wondering whether you had come across the theory before?  Perhaps you could consider recruiting Dwain Chambers, Mark Lewis-Francis and Harry Aikines-Areetey to your squad and train them up?  I am convinced that you will see immediate effects as the documenary appeared to be researched thoroughly and were the team featured not to have experienced an unfortunate crash, they would have done very well.  If the sprinters seem reluctant, then it is worth pointing out to them that they aren't likely to beat Messrs Bolt, Powell and Blake so why not try a new sport?  If they are still not convinced, perhaps offer to give them free access to the vending machine at your training facility.  I am sure the hit in your profit margins will be easy to bear when they bring home the gold.

I am afraid I forget the name of the documentary, but it features an excellent performance from John Candy as the team's flawed genius coach.  I am sure you would very much enjoy it as it is both informative and entertaining.

I wish you and your team all the best.

David Hall

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Dear Mr Hall,

Thank you for your kind email.

I share your enthusiasm for the excellent documentary featuring John Candy.Indeed we frequently refer to it when putting together our training programmes - in the same way that I am sure the England football team study that other excellent football documentary 'Escape to Victory'.

We have indeed considered approaching the aforementioned sprinters but every time I went and tried to speak to them they whizzed past me and I couldn't catch them up. Perhaps my tactic of trying to speak to them whilst they are competing needs reviewing.

Thank you once again for your insightful email, it was very much appreciated.

Kind regards

Scott

Scott Allaway

Commercial Director

British Bobsleigh

To the Belgian Transplant Society...

Hello.

I was wondering if you could help me.  I have recently developed a significant feeling of unsatisfaction, discontent and downright displeased-ness about my body image. However, as my negativity about my own body has grown, my fascination with all things Belgian has matured like a fine wheel of Passendale.

With this in mind, I think I would like to apply for a couple of transplants to help me feel better about myself.  I would like to propose that you transplant the legs of Eddy Merckx onto my body to replace the spindly things that dangle hopelessly from my shorts and the brain of George Lemaitre to help me think about clever things like 'how the universe came to be' and 'why planets are spherical'.  It would definitely help me be more positive about my body image if I could prop myself up on Tour de France winning legs and think with a hugely advanced scientific brain.  I might even stand more of a chance with the ladies if I can use chat up lines like, "want to see the legs of a champ?" and "could you spare me a moment to entertain my thoughts about the construction of the universe?"

Obviously, I assume you have a waiting list, but if I could have first dibs on those transplants it would be really great.

Thanks,

David Hall

To 2 Unlimited. They're having a come back, evidently...

Hello.

I am an experienced devisor of pub quizzes in England. However, I recently came under scrutiny for a question in a quiz that I delivered to the people of The Hammer and Cufflink in Little Finglebury.

The question was: How many times do iconic Eurodance band 2 Unlimited say the word 'no' in their 90s hit song No Limits?

Can you tell me the answer so I can show my - now former - friend, Brian that I do do my research and that when he sneakily listened to the song under the table on his iPod he mis-counted. Git.

Thanks,

David Hall

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Hello David.

Thank you for your email & interest in 2 unlimited.If you don't tell me which version you have (see the discography page and the details of the different versions) I can't tell you the answer.This website will change soon so don't be affraid if url isn't available for a while.

The best way to guess this answer is to be in the right place David./https://fbcdn-sphotos-a. akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/ 545266_4302030038176_ 199548204_n.jpg

And with the comeback there's also a new surprise for you fans :http://www.youtube.com/watch? v=oh6YGN_F2ok&feature=player_embedded#!

Kgs Regards,

Richard

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Richard,

I used the No Limits (Automatic Breakbeat Remix) from a copy of the Eurodance 1994 album that I bought in Belgium.

It's a lovely country, Belgium. You should go.

Quizmaster Dave

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To the British Power Lifting Federation...

Hello.

It's my grandparents' 47th wedding anniversary at the end of the month and I wanted to devise a surprise performance for them.

On arrival, what I would like them to see is a spectacle. This is not one half of a pair of glasses. It is something that is 'spectacular'. As they enter the room I would like them to witness 47 junior powerlifters - one for each year of marriage - raise a giant wedding ring, 47m in diameter, 47 times above their heads, before placing it on the floor and walking out of the room in single file. The ring has been ordered from my local Timpson's and is made from iron and spray painted to have a gold appearance.

Have you got 47 junior powerlifters on your books that I could hire for the event? I am sure that I could look into a coach to get them to the venue we are using in Sibtoft.

Also, would it be more practical for me to provide the talcum powder for the powerlifters' hands, or do they normally provide their own for things like this?

Thanks,

David Hall

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David,

That has to be one of the strangest requests I've ever had in relation to powerlifting. I presume Sibtoft is in Kent? You may be better speaking to someone from the South-East Division, Astor college in Dover has quite a few junior powerlifters but I know many of them are at an event on July 28th near Newcastle. To be honest I'd be surprised if you'd be able to get a dozen lifters there from your region I think you'd be better off approaching gyms in your area to get that many people together. Will a 47m diameter ring not be incredibly flexible at that size? It will certainly be the size of half a football pitch.

Bryn

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Half a football pitch! Half a football pitch! The man in Timpson's was convinced it would fit through the double patio door at the rear of Sibtoft Village Hall. Perhaps I need to have a rethink.

Newcastle, you say? Well I'll have a word with the guys in Astor to see if they can't come down if I sort some transport. My uncle has a Volkswagen Sharan so could maybe do shuttle runs?

Thanks,

David Hall

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To the WWE and WWF...

WWE

Hello.

I would like to ask you how I go about adopting a panda.  I am sure I will make an excellent adoptive parent because I am very nice and kind to pandas.

Also, I have been growing bamboo in my garden so my panda won't go hungry.

Thanks,

David Hall

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WWF

Hello.

A number of years ago I held a membership to the Hulk Hogan 'Hulkamaniacs' fan club and I was looking to renew it.  I am really looking forward to seeing what kind of japes Hulk has been getting up to.  He is my favourite moustache wearing wrestler ever.

Thanks,

David Hall

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Some emails I've not had replies to...

To the National Association for Miniature Enthusiasts

Hi,

I am really pleased to discover that there are other enthusiasts of miniature things out in this over large world. I have been a fan of all things miniature ever since I discovered the Babushka doll. Needless to say, I like the little one best.

What I would like to ask though, is not to do with Babushka dolls. To be honest, I feel like I've outgrown them. Mine's remained on the mantelpiece since my younger sister tried to arrange a marriage between Babs and her Ken doll. It ended terribly, Barbie kicked off and the reception was a shambles.

I am more interested in asking for some advice concerning the film 'Toy Story'.

Recently I watched this particular Pixar animation and I was struck by how the toys (miniatures if we're being technical) appeared to only come to life when humans are not around. Is this story based in fact? I have been ensuring that I lock my toys away, but after witnessing the lengths that Woody and co will go to cause trouble, I am not sure whether a simple bolt will do.

Have you ever had a similar problem with your miniatures and what security systems did you put in place?

Thanks,

David Hall

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To the British Mountaineering Council

Hello,

My friend Steve challenged me last night to organise a better attempt at the three peaks challenge than he did. I'd had a few wine gums so agreed, perhaps a little hastily.

Then, I had an epiphany. What if I organise a three peaks challenge... in my garden?

What I'm proposing to do is build three quite big mounds in my garden and then invite people of under three foot tall to climb them. In photos it will look like they are normal size people going up big mountains like Snowdon and Mt Killimanjaro.

I want to make sure I do this properly though. Could you send me some advice as to how I can look after the safety of my little people? I've bought some cramp ons and Lucozade, what else might I need?

David - better than Steve - Hall

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To the Roundabouts of Great Britain Appreciation Society

Hello.

I am an inventor and have recently devised an excellent traffic calming measure that I think would be of interest to you.

The idea centres around the concept of the humble roundabout. However, on my roundabouts, drivers will be encouraged get in one of three lanes, each with a different treat awaiting them.

The first lane (nearside) will give drivers the chance to pick a karaoke number for a celebrity singer to perform from the centre of the roundabout. Drivers will be so pleased to see the likes of Ricky Martin, Peter Andre, Chico and Michelle McManus singing classic hits that they will merrily potter round the junction without accident.

The middle lane will be for drivers who suffer from confidence issues. That way everyone will be able to see them and prepare for their ludicrous, ill-conceived manouvers.

Finally, the outside lane will be reserved for people who have Syphillis. This way, you will never get anyone driving like an idiot, because the only place they can do that is the place where they are telling the world that they have an embarrassing condition. Bob's your aunty; safer roads.

Could you send me a reply to this proposal that outlines how successful you think it would be, so when I go to the Minister for Transport, they will know I have used the best roundabout experts for advice.

Thanks,

David Hall

Calming traffic today, for the children of tomorrow.

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To the Independent Case Examiners

Hello.

I have a case that I would really like you to examine.

Recently I went away to New Zealand and on a flight between Palmerston North and Auckland the handle jammed. It wouldn't extend any more and it made it extraordinarily difficult to pull the case along. I nearly tripped over it in front of a bus during a stop in Incheon, South Korea. Not ideal.

Could you examine my case and perhaps help find a solution? It's very lovely and red and belonged to my father so I hope you can resurrect it so that it functions as well as it did on my trip to Dublin in 2009. I went to the zoo and the penguin enclosure was relocating. It was memorable.

Many thanks,

David Hall

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Dear Mr Hall

Thank you for your email of 14 June 2012.

We are sorry to hear of your damaged case but unfortunately your issue does not fall under our remit.

Below is a link to the complaints procedure for Air New Zealand. You should make your complaint to them (or the company your flight from Palmerston North to Auckland was with) and follow their complaints procedure. I am not sure they will be able to repair your case, however they may well be in a position to offer an apology.

https://airnzukeu.custhelp.com/app/answers/detail/a_id/1862/p/41


Yours Sincerely



Chris Stirrup
Frontline Administration Team | Independent Case Examiner’s Office