To Mars Consumer Care

Hello.

I feel the need to complain about your ridiculous Bounty slogan, 'the stronger soaker upper'. It's stupid. I tried it the other day when my washing machine leaked all over the kitchen floor. All that happened was the chocolate started melting and I found myself smearing dessicated coconut into my sandstone effect kitchen floor tiles. It was disgusting.

The only thing that was soaked up was my pride.

Yours,

Disgruntled of Tunbridge Wells.

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Dear David,

Thanks for getting in touch.

I think that you may be confusing our Bounty Chocolate Bar with Bounty kitchen towels, now known as Plenty. So may I suggest that you contact them if you have any issues with the absorbancy of the towels.

I apologise for any confusion you may have experienced on this occasion, but we would not advise that you use our Bounty Chocolate Bar for cleaning your sandstone floor again in the future.

Once again, thanks for contacting Mars. Please do not hesitate to get in touch about anything to do specifically with our products and brands.

Kind regards,

Samantha Newitt
Consumer Care Team
0845 045 0042 

To Hovis...

Hello.

At Easter time I think you should announce a new economoy loaf that uses a mixture of doughs left over from previous batches across the factory. It could be released and called 'the Salvation'. My advisors believe that releasing it with the slogan 'It Is Risen' will spark National interest...

You can pay me for this idea with a year long supply of toast.

Love,

David

To the makers of Monopoly

Dear Monopoly,


Here are some suggestions for new Chance cards:

You have won a reality TV show and earn £100,000. However, the fame is short-lived and in three goes time you are found in a pit of depression from which there is no likely return. You lose all of your property and have to forge a new life under a different identity.


You are mugged by a gang of hoodies and lose £50. However, on the insurance claim you charge for a lost Rolex. Earn £850.


You go to a party at Michael Barrymore's house. Receive £1000 to never speak of it to anyone.


Your electrical company is bought out by Powergen. Return it to the bank and receive their generous offer of £10. This is exceedingly reasonable during this economic downturn.


You are welcome.

To The Guardian. In response to their top ten things not to say in an interview article.

 Where were:
1. Is there good ventilation in your toilets? I have terrible IBS.
2. Have your computers got Minesweeper?
3. I learnt excellent leadership skills by helping my uncle smuggle Eastern European pre-pubescents into the country for his... why are you looking at me like that?
4. I can wee and brush my teeth... that's multi skilled, right?
5. What's your policy for people who suffer from excessive procrastinationatisis? Yes it's a real disease.
6. Your face reminds me of my old Catholic Priest. No... wait... Gary Glitte... Were you ever on a register?
7. Is spam available in the canteen? It's very important that I am within 57m of some spam. Yes, at ALL times.
8. My dad says MD means Massive Dickhead!
9. I love the taste of desks.
10. Did I mention I used to work as a wedding singer? Lunchtimes with me are a HOOT!

To Gordon Ramsay

Mr Ramsay,


I am in great admiration for your Real Gravy in English pubs and restaurants campaign.  However, I think it could go further.  Why not extend it into Africa?


Think of the advantages if little African children were fetching gravy on their three mile walk, as opposed to H2O:
1. Gravy is thicker. It therefore has a greater surface tension and is harder to spill.
2. It is much more versatile. They could drink it, or put it on their chips.
3. They would have a starting point from which to create Africa's first Toby Carvery.


It just makes good sense, Gordon.


Hugs and kisses,


D Hall x

To Royal Mail

Day One:

I am really excited.  My owners have sent me on a fantastic journey!  I'm going to a new wonderful place, and they must think I'm really important because they are recording my delivery.  I am most looking forward to going on lots of different types of transport - some of the other packages say that we could even be going on a plane!

Day Two:

Today is the day that I should have arrived, but for some reason there is a delay.  It'll be ok though.  Some of the other packages say that this sort of thing always happens, so I'm not worried.

Day Three:

I haven't moved at all today.  I really hoped that I would because I should have been at my destination yesterday, but I'm sure it will be ok.  I am traveling with a service endorsed by the Queen, don't you know?

Day Four:

My owners tried to track my delivery today but they couldn't because the service was down.  I hope they aren't too worried about me.  I'm packaged in one of the best jiffy bags money can buy so my hardened brown paper covered bubble wrap exterior should protect me.  One of the other packages said that we were going to be stuck here.  I hope he's wrong.

Day Five:

It is very cold in this room.  I don't think they have heating.

Day Six:

Apparently nothing happens on a Sunday.  Even when we are running this late.  One of the other packages said that it is because people go to Church on Sunday so they don't want to get packages.  I think people could probably do both.

Day Seven:

One of the other packages heard a van outside.  We hoped it was someone come to collect us and take us to our destinations.  It wasn't.

Day Eight:

One of the other packages was talking about Guantanamo Bay.  We like to think about better places.

Day Nine:

My owner tried to track me again and found that I was still with Royal Mail.  I bet my owner was really angry, I should have been at my destination a week ago.  I heard that my owner phoned the customer services and was told that nothing could be done until I had been lost for eight working days.  I don't want to be lost.

Day Ten:

I think I have entered the Twilight Zone.  Or the Bermuda Triangle.  Or a Black Hole.

Day Eleven:

I am worried that I am lost.

To all Londoners... be afraid.

Colin Firth has been given freedom of your city.  Freedom - the power to determine action without restraint.  Bloody hell.

Long gone are the days when care free Londoners could arrive home from work without fear of Colin Firth standing in their hallway, eyeing up their ballestrade.  Past are the days when Londoners could enter a coffee house without risk of Colin Firth shiftying in front of them in the queue to place his order for a skinny latte. And behind us are the days when pub landlords would only be stumping up a drink on the house for their friends or war heroes; now Colin Firth will want one too.

Perhaps I'm being a bit literal.  Freedom of the city of London doesn't quite mean that Colin Firth can do anything he likes, that'd be insufferable.  He'd be jumping into the Thames in white shirts and making everyone watch him all the time.  Nightmare.  Actually what it means is that he could, should he choose, drive cattle or sheep across London Bridge; have a silken rope if hanged; carry a naked sword in public; or if a Policeman finds him pissed as a fart, staggering down the street, then Colin Firth can expect to have a taxi hailed and paid for, rather than a night in the nick.

All valuable privileges, I'm sure you'll agree.

However should you, Londoners, take Umbridge to this, then there is a way.  Brian Llewelyn a'i Ferched, found at county-stores.com, has a wide range of cattle grids that can be bought for as little as £870 and this could be a small price to pay to keep London Bridge clear of Colin Firth's livestock.  Londoners have no reason to fear a silken rope.  Londoners, keep encouraging Colin Firth to jump in the Thames in his white shirt; his sword will soon rust.  And should any Londoners see a policeman hailing Colin Firth a taxi?  Tell him he's got Hugh Grant and the man deserves a night in the cells.