To Devon Bird News...

Hello.

I was walking my dog tonight, down the seafront in Ilfracombe when I saw, what must've been, a new species of bird.

It appeared to have the head of a sparrow and the body of a raven. Now, I'm not suggesting that an unsolicited poultry splicing gang are marauding the streets of West Devon, but that's certainly what it looked like.

Has anyone else reported such a thing?

It also appeared to have a very unique cry, sounding a little like the awestruck exhale of a young child who's just witnessed an elaborate card trick.

I look forward to hearing back from you.

David Hall

P.s. If it is a new species and I get to name it then it will be known as a Kevin.

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Many thanks for your email to Devon Bird News, it's an interesting description but I'm afraid you have not found a new species of bird! That will never happen in the UK, or Europe. Only in the deepest darkest rain forests may new species of birds be found now.  (That is not including DNA analysis of already known species though).

As for your bird, my best guess is that it was a Crow or Raven, which has lost all the feathering around its head. This does happen, and it looks very weird!  It really is amazing how much feathers make up the mass of any bird, their actual body is tiny compared with what we see.

Hope this helps,

Best wishes

Steve Waite
Devon Bird Recorder

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Steve,

Are you sure my Kevin wasn't a new bird? Now you mention it, he did look a bit South American. He certainly would have suited a pencil moustache and sombrero...
David Hall

To The British Dental Association...

Hello.

When I was eight and three quarters I watched the Little Shop of Horrors and since then I have been terrified of plants, Rick Moranis and dentists.

Recently I have developed an achey tooth, but a friend of mine said it's ok, I wouldn't have to go to see the dentist because they're easy to fill by yourself. All you need is the white bit from under the lumpy bit on top of a pink fondant fancy. It seems to be working, but the bill is extraordinary.

May I ask where you bulk order yours from? I seem to have to treat the tooth daily and as you only get two pink ones in a packet of eight, that's a lot of fancies that I'm buying.

Thanks,

David Hall

To The Pioneers Total Abstinence Society...

Hello*&

My name is" David and /I have recently begun abstaining' from using standard %punctuation¢

¥It is exce￦llent fun and perha«ps something that your +Pioneers could try` I understand that it m¡ight be challenging\ for your $people^ seeing as they are busy<3 not drinking@ but I would be# happy to write an article€ for your newsletter to¿ explain how they can multi®task_

Lots »of love~

Davi°d Hall
Literary }Maverick

To Aunty Bessie...

Hello.

I have recently been piecing together my family tree and am over the moon to discover that I have another aunty! I'm going to need some helping placing you correctly though as I don't know where you are in our lineage.

Could you tell me:

If you are on mum or dad's side?
Did you have a fall out? We're not allowed to mention you around the dinner table...
Where were you at nan and grandad's diamond anniversary? Even Great Uncle Jim made it to that and he's got a bad hip.

I'm so pleased I found you.

Maybe we can meet up for a cup of tea and a crumpet?

Lots of love,

Your nephew David

To William Shatner...

Hello.

My name is David Hall and I have been a huge fan of yours for many years. Allow me to explain why:

When you played the captain of the Star Ship Enterprise, you were really great. From the way you swivelled in your chair, to the way you pressed all those colourful buttons - I will always endeavour to use office furniture like you do.

I suppose another of the biggest reasons for my admiration of you is your ability to occasionally have more hair on your face, than on top of your head. The bearded, but bald combo personifies greatness and is emblematic of your brilliantness. I might shave all of my skull apart from the chin to be just like you.

I also think that you portray an excellent wheelchair user, which is important when disabled people get such little representation in films. I sometimes use disabled toilets in your honour.

I hope to hear back from you soon. It would be amazing to hear from the best X-man.

Yours,

David

To the British Deer Society...

Hello.

I have a queery for you. Since the age of seven and three quarters I have enjoyed life with my imaginary deer, Steven. Recently though, Steven has been behaving very oddly; he has been speaking in a low Catalan accent and walking on his hind legs, whilst claiming to be one of the founding members of T'Pau. Is this usual behaviour for a nineteen year old imaginary deer?

Many thanks,

David Hall

To Pam's Florists

Hello.

I trust I am speaking to either Pam or her florist?  I was following your van earlier this week (coincidentally; I was en route elsewhere. It is not a habit of mine to follow florists.) and I was very pleased to note that you can provide flowers for 'any occassion'.

Could you design me a table top centre piece for my 'Dealing with Persistent Hayfever Support Group'? I ideally want something colourful, that will compliment my avocado dining room. It also needs to be roughly 15cm in diameter and no higher than 20cm (my clients will want to be able to see over it!)

My budget is £23.58.

Thanks,

David Hall