To The British Dental Association...

Hello.

When I was eight and three quarters I watched the Little Shop of Horrors and since then I have been terrified of plants, Rick Moranis and dentists.

Recently I have developed an achey tooth, but a friend of mine said it's ok, I wouldn't have to go to see the dentist because they're easy to fill by yourself. All you need is the white bit from under the lumpy bit on top of a pink fondant fancy. It seems to be working, but the bill is extraordinary.

May I ask where you bulk order yours from? I seem to have to treat the tooth daily and as you only get two pink ones in a packet of eight, that's a lot of fancies that I'm buying.

Thanks,

David Hall

To The Pioneers Total Abstinence Society...

Hello*&

My name is" David and /I have recently begun abstaining' from using standard %punctuation¢

¥It is exce￦llent fun and perha«ps something that your +Pioneers could try` I understand that it m¡ight be challenging\ for your $people^ seeing as they are busy<3 not drinking@ but I would be# happy to write an article€ for your newsletter to¿ explain how they can multi®task_

Lots »of love~

Davi°d Hall
Literary }Maverick

To Aunty Bessie...

Hello.

I have recently been piecing together my family tree and am over the moon to discover that I have another aunty! I'm going to need some helping placing you correctly though as I don't know where you are in our lineage.

Could you tell me:

If you are on mum or dad's side?
Did you have a fall out? We're not allowed to mention you around the dinner table...
Where were you at nan and grandad's diamond anniversary? Even Great Uncle Jim made it to that and he's got a bad hip.

I'm so pleased I found you.

Maybe we can meet up for a cup of tea and a crumpet?

Lots of love,

Your nephew David