To The Party Hire People...

Message: Hi,

I'm not going to mess about here, so I'll let you know. Last year I fucked up. I mean properly. Uncle Keith said that he just wanted a quiet 50th party, so I organised a little get together with some family, friends and Hossain from next door and the shit hit the fan. No, literally. Hossain has a colostomy bag and when he used it to do the first word of 'Catcher in the Rye' during charades, the ceiling fan did the rest. Needless to say, the party has become memorable for all the wrong reasons. Although, thankfully blind Aunt Doris didn't notice. She just thought her cappuccino tasted a bit 'nutty'.

So this year I want to do something special. Have you got a mould for a person shaped jelly or blancmange? I wanted to try and fashion a giant Uncle Keith to act as a centre piece.

Also, were I to hire the lovely elephant vase I have seen a picture of, could I use it to serve punch from?

Thanks,

Geoff Spangle
Venue: Uncle Keith's house
Date Of Event: 12/9/2015

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Good afternoon, gosh you do have a lot to put right.

Unfortunately I do not have an adult mould but I am shaped rather like a blancmange so maybe we could consider myself and spray paint?

The elephant vase is to precious to hire but I do have An equally delightful flamingo vase you are welcome to.. I would feel this is safer with blind Aunty Doris as she may find the elephant trunks a tad phallic and who knows where that would end.

Yours & happy to wobble it all

Polly

 

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Gosh, I'm so pleased you'd be willing to help! I was actually hoping for an edible centre piece. The thing is, I've got some strippers coming and they were going to feed Uncle Keith the big Keith jelly as part of their routine.

If we were to spray paint you, would be able to put some kind of jelly, or even Angel Delight in your pockets, so as not to ruin their choreography?

Also, you are probably right about Doris. She's pure filth.

Could you put together a quotation for me? For the spray painted you with jelly pockets and flamingo punch vase.

G Spangle

 

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I do have an edible bra & thong we could utilise to give everyone a nibble

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Blimey. Your website didn't make me think that you would provide such a service...

On second thoughts, edible undies might play havoc with Uncle Keith's teeth. He fractured his jaw in Nam.

Could we stick with the pockets idea?
 

Geoff

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Hi,

Any chance of that quotation? The strippers need me to let them know what props they've got to work with.

Also, could we make sure the spray paint is something calming, like an azure blue. Uncle Keith's blood pressure can get a bit high, so that might be nice and calming.

G

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Sorry for any delay I was pricing up blancmange. The price would be £7893471

This of course would include a tribal dance routine but delivery cost would need to be added at £609 per 100 yards.

Please ensure you arrange public liability insurance due to Keith's BP difficulties and I am known to raise a brow or to

Regards
 

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That's a little more than I was expecting. What would happen if I provided some Butterscotch Angel Delight in place of the blancmange? It's on offer in Morrisons.

Uncle Keith's house is in Daventry. What would the mileage look like to there?

G Spang

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Unfortunately I have a severe allergy to things on offer.

Davenage would actually be free as I have a cat in a cattery there who I haven't seen for 27 years and keep meaning to visit!

 
Polly

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That's amazing. But, I can't believe I have to tell you this after how accommodating you've been.

Uncle Keith just died. Just now. Something to do with his aorta.

Really sorry. I might be in touch about the wake. He really loved drinking tea from sets of three tea cups.

Spangle

 

 

 

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So sorry to hear that, we do do a corpse sushi range for that last bond with your loved one! It's quite handy as the body also acts as a chiller

Polly

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Thanks. I'm so sorry that you won't get to see your cat.

 

 

To Nestle...

Hello.

I wish to inform you about a documentary that I'm making.

Before I start though, are you aware of the film 'Supersize Me'? If not, I'll tell you. It follows a man who eats nothing but Mcdonalds meals for a month. It shows how the Mcdonalds based gluttony effects him, whilst also being quite entertaining.  If you haven't seen it, do, it's an audio-visual treat.

My idea was to do a similar thing, but with Milkybar. I am proposing to eat nothing but Milkybar, in order to present the very real risks that all Milkybar kids in history have subjected themselves to.  For years I have believed it cruel and unjust, that Nestle has subjected fair headed, visually impaired young boys to a diet of nothing but white chocolate and I intend to give a - potentially  harrowing - account of the dangers of this.

In the name of decency though, I would like to give you the opportunity to write a statement - for balance - that I can incorporate into the film.

Thanks,

David Hall

P.S. My wife thinks that in the name of safety, I should at least eat Milky bar buttons for some variety in my diet.  I can assure you that I will be doing no such thing, however tempting.

To the British Society for Shooting and Conservation...

Hello.

My name is David Hall and I am interested in your ethos of shooting to conserve.

I know of many ways to conserve things (or preserve things, if you'll permit me to borrow a synonym). They include setting in jam, pickling, gilding, laminating, varnishing, waxing, lacquering and coating in syrup. But I didn't know you could conserve something by shooting it?

Unless of course - from the barrels of your gun - you are firing jam, vinegar, gild, heated plastic film, varnish, wax, lacquer or syrup at wildlife? Then I suppose that would count.

I hope to hear back from you so you can explain how it works.

Love David

To Homebase...

Hello.

My name is David Hall and I have recently passed a BTEC First in Marketting and Business Studies. As part of my course, I did a case study of a business and suggested strategies to improve it. I chose Homebase. I thought I'd send you my ideas to see if you like them. Maybe if you like them, you can hire me as a freelance consultant?

1. Branch out into stereoes and call yourselves Homebass. It will be a move that is down with the kids.

2. Call all the areas of your shop, something-base. i.e. Patiobase, Sharp sandbase, Weedkillerbase. People will enjoy saying -base after all your products. McDonalds do a similar thing with the prefix Mc-.

3. Get a mascot; call him Homie. It would work well if he was a bi-polar black American from the Bronx. On the surface, he's warm and cuddly and welcoming. But underneath, there's the dangerous edge of a man who could become very angry if you don't buy your drill bits from him.

4. Write a new slogan. It should say, 'A House is not a Home unless it's Based in Homebase.' because it rolls off the tongue, or 'Homebase Homes.' because of the 'huh' sounds.

And lastly, 5. Make sure you put the turning wheels on the front of your trollies. They're a nightmare to push.

I hope that advice helps. I'm always willing to chat, so get in touch if you want any more tips.

Thanks,

David Hall

To the Natural History Museum...

Hello.

I was recently out in my garden, erecting a swing set (swet) for my daughter, when I hit something a little odd feeling as I dug down to begin building the swing foundations (swoundations).

On further investigation, I discovered it to be the bones of what most certainly is an ancient, prehistoric beast. Immediately I stopped digging my swet's swoundations and eyed the skeletal being carefully. It did not look like anything I had seen on Jurassic Park. Or Walking with Dinosaurs. Or Land Before Time 4.

Can I send you a picture so you can confirm if it is a new species (necies)?

Also, can I name it if it is, as I believe, a new dinosaur?  It's definitely not my old guinea pig because that went over by the shed, so don't even try and tell me it's that.

Many thanks,

David Hall

To Munch Bunch...

Hello.

I have queery. It's ever so quick, so I'll hop straight to it like a bunny with a strong sense of duty.

How do you make a 'munch' - an onomatopoeic description of an act of eating - happen... using yoghurt?

I've tried very hard and the only way I can manage it is if I lace the yoghurt with Pom Bears. And I seriously doubt the Munch Bunch have to resort to such madness.

I look forward to hearing your explanation.

Love from,

David Hall

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Dear David

Thank you for getting in touch about Munch Bunch Yogurt.

Munch Bunch recognises the importance of its characters and the role it has to play in storytelling. The name of the product and the packs have been designed to reflect this with the character Munch the Cow.

On pack, Munch is designed to highlight the key ingredients of milk while the character’ spots highlight fruit in Munch Bunch Fromage Frais and yogurt products. Munch is designed as a fun and playful character to appeal to kids, while reassuring mums by giving them the nutritional information they need about the product. Munch Bunch is going back to its storytelling roots with characters to highlight key ingredients.

Thank you once again for taking the trouble to contact us. I hope this reply answers your questions and that you enjoy our products in the future.

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Hello.

Thank you for writing back to my email. It was very lovely of you.

I was unaware that the Munch Bunch was headed up by a bovine dictator. Does Munch have any leadership idols? Castro? Stalin? Gary Glitter? Are his proleteriat willing? Or do they their spend time in underground lairs, plotting a Munch revolution and drawing pictures of him in silly hats?

I think it is important that I know these things at this time. Or I may have to start allying myself with Yoplait... or Danone.

Love from,

David Hall

To Devon Bird News...

Hello.

I was walking my dog tonight, down the seafront in Ilfracombe when I saw, what must've been, a new species of bird.

It appeared to have the head of a sparrow and the body of a raven. Now, I'm not suggesting that an unsolicited poultry splicing gang are marauding the streets of West Devon, but that's certainly what it looked like.

Has anyone else reported such a thing?

It also appeared to have a very unique cry, sounding a little like the awestruck exhale of a young child who's just witnessed an elaborate card trick.

I look forward to hearing back from you.

David Hall

P.s. If it is a new species and I get to name it then it will be known as a Kevin.

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Many thanks for your email to Devon Bird News, it's an interesting description but I'm afraid you have not found a new species of bird! That will never happen in the UK, or Europe. Only in the deepest darkest rain forests may new species of birds be found now.  (That is not including DNA analysis of already known species though).

As for your bird, my best guess is that it was a Crow or Raven, which has lost all the feathering around its head. This does happen, and it looks very weird!  It really is amazing how much feathers make up the mass of any bird, their actual body is tiny compared with what we see.

Hope this helps,

Best wishes

Steve Waite
Devon Bird Recorder

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Steve,

Are you sure my Kevin wasn't a new bird? Now you mention it, he did look a bit South American. He certainly would have suited a pencil moustache and sombrero...
David Hall